After last night, I could never be a politician.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Randomize
