Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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