You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
