soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
