I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I touched a dick in church today
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
