Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
