do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
