So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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