you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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