please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Randomize
