Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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