Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
