what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
