Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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