You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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