theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
