1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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