some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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