i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
