just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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