I'm gonna have a badass scar
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize