i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
