someone threw a dead crab at me
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
