the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
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