Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Sext me about skeletons
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
