There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
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