I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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