I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
