I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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