That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize