I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize