this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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