Farmville is her only friend.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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