I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
