My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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