There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
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