hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
i now understand why vodka
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Randomize
