You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
