Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
