Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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