We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Randomize
