does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
