If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
