Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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