Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
