You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
this beer tastes like vomit already
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
