Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
