I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
