If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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