My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
