On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
