Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
