I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
