My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
