I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
