I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
