Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
