you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
