i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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