my mouth tastes like poor choices
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Randomize