Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
