I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
