As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
