god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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