who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
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