I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Randomize
