I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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