I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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