I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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